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I'm just so bored with my whole life tbh
Holed up with 1st degree sun burn covering my entire left shin
after a much need day out of the city
out to the beaches at cape Canaveral
that was truly quite refreshing
excepting that I couldn't walk the next day
and impossible as it may sound two days later I tripped over the curb and over my own feet on my way out to the car to go back in to this job that I'm starting to resent so much*
screaming with the pain of adding road-rash to my still burning skin
working an 8 hour shift until my ankle is swelling and purplish
reaching out to a friend but too timid call
writing this instead
Just crying my way through reality on the regular
I'm so over being damp and sticky all the time
imagining all the fun ways to die
as I
pour and shake and blend corporate coffee
this is all there is for me now
after all of the twists and turns of my strange little life
it's like being right back where I started
I am in a state of inertia
I just feel like doing nothing all the time
Just lying still mostly
Hopelessness is the worst part of depression
sleeping until the very last minute
feeling anxious even in dreams
even if some I wish were true*
my life feels like a house of cards
or maybe a dandelion gone to seed
easily scattered by a single breeze
Wanting to simply disappear
or maybe no-clip into the liminal spaces
and just exist for awhile
I feel like I have no one to talk to
every man is an island
and true understanding impossible
If I embrace the existential horror it isn't terrifying
______________________________
*These last four years I've mostly worked within a bookstore café, I'm all but fully trained to work in the other parts of the store but considered such an asset to the company for my "barista" skills I was recently given a significant raise and health benefits, it was quite literally an offer I couldn't refuse because how could I say no? no matter how much I really didn't want it. Being stuck behind the counter of the narrow café my view of the rest of the store is exactly what I feel like staring into the mirror of erised must be. Maybe I could yet be just a bookseller by the time I'm 40?
*like the one where I'm telling that one half of my family all at once that I'm an atheist, I don't mind going to church when I visit because it is familiar but I don't believe it anymore, hell or heaven or the bible or any other religion but they can believe whatever so it's cool right?
Holed up with 1st degree sun burn covering my entire left shin
after a much need day out of the city
out to the beaches at cape Canaveral
that was truly quite refreshing
excepting that I couldn't walk the next day
and impossible as it may sound two days later I tripped over the curb and over my own feet on my way out to the car to go back in to this job that I'm starting to resent so much*
screaming with the pain of adding road-rash to my still burning skin
working an 8 hour shift until my ankle is swelling and purplish
reaching out to a friend but too timid call
writing this instead
Just crying my way through reality on the regular
I'm so over being damp and sticky all the time
imagining all the fun ways to die
as I
pour and shake and blend corporate coffee
this is all there is for me now
after all of the twists and turns of my strange little life
it's like being right back where I started
I am in a state of inertia
I just feel like doing nothing all the time
Just lying still mostly
Hopelessness is the worst part of depression
sleeping until the very last minute
feeling anxious even in dreams
even if some I wish were true*
my life feels like a house of cards
or maybe a dandelion gone to seed
easily scattered by a single breeze
Wanting to simply disappear
or maybe no-clip into the liminal spaces
and just exist for awhile
I feel like I have no one to talk to
every man is an island
and true understanding impossible
If I embrace the existential horror it isn't terrifying
______________________________
*These last four years I've mostly worked within a bookstore café, I'm all but fully trained to work in the other parts of the store but considered such an asset to the company for my "barista" skills I was recently given a significant raise and health benefits, it was quite literally an offer I couldn't refuse because how could I say no? no matter how much I really didn't want it. Being stuck behind the counter of the narrow café my view of the rest of the store is exactly what I feel like staring into the mirror of erised must be. Maybe I could yet be just a bookseller by the time I'm 40?
*like the one where I'm telling that one half of my family all at once that I'm an atheist, I don't mind going to church when I visit because it is familiar but I don't believe it anymore, hell or heaven or the bible or any other religion but they can believe whatever so it's cool right?
